Can i not drive my cunt home
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
