She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
