i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
