i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
