I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
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I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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