I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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