That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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