My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
