Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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