guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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