there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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