lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
