Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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