hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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