don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
