Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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