remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
