My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
