So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Houston, we have a squirter
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
