I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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