You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
