I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
