My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
