You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
