I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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