I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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