I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
