I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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