I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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