I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
