Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
