I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
