I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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