she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
