last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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