I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
