It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
