So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
