How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Michael Bay diarrhea
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
