Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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