Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
