My balls are so social today.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
