why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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