Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
