jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
