HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
