There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
