accomplished twins. life is a go
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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