I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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