i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
