Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
