He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
