Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
