my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
