Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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