hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
