I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
