She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
