mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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