He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
